Love rymes with a hideous car wreck.
By Billy | December 5, 2009
Jesus blesses the little children. Society oppresses the little children.
Strife is coming.
Vayelech Avram. Abram WENT. He went not knowing where he was going. He went with reason to believe he’d never see his father again. He went ‘to the place that God will show him.’ He didn’t even know the destination. He went on ridiculous, embarrassing, nearly deadly detours (Egypt, for example). He had no idea where, but he started walking.
So God already calls us away from our fathers last years, and calls us to steal our brother’s birth rights and blessings, and now Jesus has come to draw the sword, not make peace?
God may ask you to do things you can’t imagine yourself doing. Getting arrested for justice, leaving your family for peace, getting killed for your beliefs. People who don’t fully understand (aka everyone) might think you’re crazy, selfish, foolish, confused… They will think the sword is being drawn against them, they will think you are drawing the sword for baser reasons.
The people who have begun to realize and draw their own sword for Christ will hopefully see why you are drawing your sword. You’re not walking out in the middle of dinner to be disrespectful to your family, but to show real respect for your God. The people who begin to understand will revel and enjoy watching you fight for your Prize, the people who do not will feel slighted and hurt. The people who begin to understand will be gracious and let you back in, the people who do not will want you to feel ashamed — you may feel dirty and unwelcomed back in your house and (if you’re anything like me) you will sit outside the house too ashamed to enter and see your family again after running away.
You have allies. You have a family that will leave the door unlocked. We are waiting for you to come back inside, and hope you never feel shame for going out. Our swords are drawn too, but not against you (though we may cancel our dinner plans with you at the last moment — because God may tell us to go to Egypt and accomplish nothing but confusing Pharaoh about our marital status with our sister/wife that evening). You have friends who will welcome you back to their table, regardless of the detours (“mistakes”) you take. Do not be disheartened. You have God rooting specifically for you (think about that!) and you have a whole team of humans working, praying, and loving for you.
(Go read Mark 10: 17-31 )
Call on your allies if you need help. God put us here to help you, anything good we do is actually just him working through the physical medium, anyway.
Lovelovelovelovelovelovelove.
Topics: Nonfiction, Philosophy, This is my life | Comments Off on Love rymes with a hideous car wreck.
Strouthion
By Billy | December 5, 2009
I don’t miss you
look for you,
see you everywhere,
or wonder what you’re doing.
I don’t feel like there’s evil crawling through my veins. An evil growing swiftly, plotting out my end, preparing for an overthrow.
I don’t love you, and I just don’t care.
You are easy to put down.
You’re too hot for me to hold.
You. are… a burden!
You are ugly in and out
and you — just… don’t get me.
and I am pleased that you have danced out of my life.
Topics: poetry, This is my life | Comments Off on Strouthion
This isn’t true.
By Billy | December 3, 2009
There’s a certain feeling sliding
Through the linings of my gut
There are things that I am hiding
But I just can’t tell you what
There are answers not worth knowing
There are treasures you wont find
There are places we’re not going
It’s how we were designed
I try to leave it sit there
And fester like it should
Topics: poetry, This is my life | Comments Off on This isn’t true.
Hah. Hmph. Intuition.
By Billy | November 30, 2009
Nobody knows this.
But everyone does know it.
Even you and me.
Topics: poetry, This is my life | Comments Off on Hah. Hmph. Intuition.
Delivery (I held. The oar all along)
By Billy | November 30, 2009
Every one’s special.
Everyone’s new.
Sometimes it’s me.
It’s always you.
Sometimes it hurts me,
sometimes for days.
sometimes the great blues
feel more like grays
somewhere this happened:
i lost all control.
somewhere it worked out.
i was made whole.
Deliver. Deliver. Deliver.
Take me from this place.
Deliver
Deliver
Deliver
Make me hide my face.
Take me away from this place.
I am.
Notrunningawayanymore.
Nolongerscaredofthisstasis.
(for now)
UnsureofwhatIneedatthecore
Readytoknowwhatthisplaceis.
I’mtiredofwaitingoutside
I’mtiredoffeelingashamed.
Iseenomorereasonstohide.
IrealizeI’veneverbeenblamed.
Aliveandimmortal
Bornagain
New.
Not.
done
searching.
ready
to maintain this.
sure
of what it means.
going
to give up.
Topics: poetry, This is my life | Comments Off on Delivery (I held. The oar all along)
my mind needs more bananas
By Billy | November 29, 2009
empty empty empty empty
somethings in my skin.
mix of ugly
and of stained.
i am growing thin
knot me
ball me
seek me
call me
bend me bend me bend me bend me
too much inside out or sideways
creeping itching tingle
i’m the spot
where home and road
meet but never mingle
blurryandfading anticipating stiffandcracking it’sattacking i
am laying
down
i am laying down
i am
laying
down
to ease this restless syndrome
i’d swallow what you want
to ease this restless syndrome
i’ll follow you, i’ll hunt
let me fit this skin again
dispel the mirror’s lies
please just let me in again
hear these tired sighs
give these eyes their life back
their torches dim and tire
tie me up and light me
martyr me with fire
(martyr me with fire)
murder me
with jealousy
my bloods will call to you
from earth and rock and moss and stone
and tooth and nail. and skin. and bone
make me ache and quiver
make me break.
deliver.
make me hunger
make me thirst
make me full
then make me burst
I am waiting for the blow
to fall on me and make me know
and force me in to something newer
where grass is greener, sky is bluer.
.
Thank you for breathing me.
Thank you for breathing me.
Thank you for breathing me.
(into existence)
(into this calm)
(withandfor)
Topics: poetry, This is my life | Comments Off on my mind needs more bananas
House (we’re in this together.)
By Billy | November 28, 2009
we’re in this together.
belly.
ache.
goodness sake.
easy,
steady,
wasn’t ready.
bitter.
sweet.
remember what’s beneath your feet.
earth.
rocks.
listen to him when he talks.
breathe.
look.
open up. read the book.
tremble.
shiver.
just accept. he will deliver.
relax.
slide.
shrug off all that heavy pride.
be.
wherever.
we’re in this together.
Topics: poetry, This is my life | Comments Off on House (we’re in this together.)
We Have Time. (We have time. We have time!)
By Billy | November 19, 2009
We wrote these words the morning after we overdosed, with vomit on our tongue still. We wrote these words right before we stopped running away and starting walking home. We wrote these words in blood on the bathroom floor. We wrote these words while the walls breathed and the world was a mess of tessellations. We wrote these words in a strange bed with strange lovers.
We wrote these words when we were afraid of what it meant to be loved unconditionally.
We had assumed things about our Lover and their feelings towards us. We wouldn’t set foot past the threshold. We were ashamed to have spent so long taking our Lover for granted.
We didn’t know.
We didn’t know.
We didn’t know.
I am shame.
I am sorry.
I am bad.
I am monstrous.
I am broken.
I am flawed.
I am unloved.
I am lost.
I can not go home.
Topics: This is my life | Comments Off on We Have Time. (We have time. We have time!)
Commit to it
By Billy | November 6, 2009
You make me smile.
I feel slighted by language.
Nothing comes out full.
Topics: Uncategorized | Comments Off on Commit to it
None of these add up, but they’re there.
By Billy | November 4, 2009
Please just hold me, squeeze me, heal me
utilize your skill
kiss me, sew me, close me, seal me
breathe through me and make me still
I want to see with the eyes of a child again
and love without knowledge of pain.
I want to marvel, once more, at the mystery
of things like lightning and rain
I want back the pure simple comfort
of holding a bear to my chest
and whispering whispering whispering
“Thank you, I like you the best.”
I would like back boardgames and forts
and action figures, oh! and sports
and band-aids to fix all sorts of things
and antibacterial stings
I want to see with these eyes as your child
and love because of the pain
I want to stop caring
about what they think
i want to forget punctuation.
i want to experiment
play in the sand
see what dirt feels like in my hand
I want to feel lively,
and not so dis-eased.
i want to go home every night and be pleased.
i want to use words
like sad
and hurt
I want to remember
I want to forget
The pain and the feeling
of the blood that I let
I want to try and hold the moon.
I want to tremble when I think of you.
I want to bring my troubles to you.
I want to feel the antibacterial spray
and twitch
and smile
and go back and play.
This time knowing…
Topics: poetry | Comments Off on None of these add up, but they’re there.
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