Coming of the [ATF]! Another xkcd Installment
By Billy | November 4, 2009
Even though I’ve read them all, I click the random button on xkcd frequently. It’s actually a habit I’m trying to rid myself of. I should learn a language or practice the viola in that wasted time.
Time:
I am going to start listing some THINGS I have been letting float in my mind; things I would like to occupy the same space as me. Objects I want to “own” for a bit. I won’t allude to them in “real life,” so you’d have to actually read my blog to know what you might want to get me for Christmas… If these thoughts weren’t important to me, I wouldn’t write them. I wouldn’t put them out into the universe so blatantly (in blog format). Get where I’m going?
Topics: Uncategorized | Comments Off on Coming of the [ATF]! Another xkcd Installment
Stepping stones
By Billy | November 1, 2009
Are we not
just the things
we
think
(fear)
we might just be?
Wherein lies the problem?
Where is the source?
We are the master, we are the piece.
We are afraid to remember.
Wake us up. Wake us up. Wake us up.
I know why the wolf howls.
Topics: poetry | Comments Off on Stepping stones
A Dream
By Billy | October 30, 2009
My mother and I were sitting in a parking lot discussing my future. I was feeling pretty hopeless facing graduation soon with a BA in Philosophy and Religion and no idea what to do next. I was getting sarcastic and bitter towards myself, kinda frustrated that my dreams and desires seem to be so worthless according to so many social standards. Not to mention the fact that I struggle to find happiness at a certain level that I can’t explain. Complacency terrifies me. I want to live more deeply than any human ever has, it seems — a curse I haven’t been able to shrug off OR actualize yet.
Mom and I were sitting in a car in a parking lot waiting to be taken somewhere by someone having this conversation. All of the sudden, a fifteen passenger van fell from the fourth story of a parking deck in front of us and crashed violently to the ground one hundred feet ahead. Immediately I jumped out of the car while my mom was in mid sentence, ran over to the van and tried to see what I could do to help. I thoroughly checked all the doors to see, but there was nobody in the vehicle at all.
That was about all the dream worth noting.
I woke up and thought to myself. “That was a completely worthless dream!” And started journaling it. What a good invention, the journal! As I wrote, I realized how profound it was. I have been worried about graduating and doing something with my life. It is apparent to me now that I just need to wait for my course of action to fall violently from the sky. When the van fell, I didn’t think, “this might be what I’m supposed to put my effort into,” I just ran! God tells Abram, “go to the place that I will show you.” So Abram went. (Genesis 12:4) Abram didn’t ask his 130 year old father if it was a good idea, nor did he go to his financial advisors to see if it made sense at that time in his life (he was a senior citizen by our standards). Abram WENT. Vayelech Avram. When that metal met concrete, I didn’t ask my mom to excuse me, I didn’t think about the possible danger I might have been in running up to the car. In fact, I put down my phone and my jacket, which both represent to me comfort and connection, and focused my entire energy on helping people.
The funny thing is, I didn’t save a single person. The van was empty. Furthermore, I didn’t worry about the fact that my endeavor amounted to nothing. The fact that I did what I thought I was supposed to was enough. Abram ended up going down to Egypt and leaving after it got too crazy. He didn’t really accomplish anything (not true: Abram parallels Moses and Israel in general in a few ways, but…) when he went down there, but it helped him get to where he needed to go.
I’m not going to worry so much, but just be patient. I will know when my opportunity arises. I believe you will too.
Topics: Philosophy, This is my life | Comments Off on A Dream
I Like Mantras: Think. Everything is Beautiful
By Billy | October 16, 2009
A dear friend of mine one day suggested I find a mantra. I had been trying to think of one for a while. Some ideas popped in my head but sounded forced, cold, not-accurate.
“There’s not a spot that God is not.”
“Let it be.”
Things like these blew around the caverns in my mind while I waited.
I seem to talk to myself most when walking down hill.
I can’t come up with a mantra because I don’t know how I feel yet, I think to myself.
That’s a pretty good start!
I can’t come up with a mantra. I don’t know how to feel about things.
I can refine that thought to this.
Things are uncertain. Decisions are difficult.
That is a little pessimistic, non-prescriptive, abrupt. I want my mantra to be encouraging, helpful, action-encouraging, and whole/complete/encompassing.
Though things are difficult, you can only work with what you have.
This still labels a problem to overcome. A gypsy woman I know is the best at this: don’t just not focus on the negatives, actually only see the positives.
“You can only do everything that you can do,” is a piece of advice I have handed out liberally to friends who feel useless when trying to fix things. If you’re doing all that you can, be happy with that. I have internalized that, and I choose to in-corpor-ate that into my mantra.
(I really, *really* like hyphenating words. In-corp-erate. I want the concept of contented-ness with the situation to literally become part of the body (corpus) of my mantra, which I will in-corp-erate into my life (and my being). The idea of contentedness with abilities will become part of me as I carry this mantra like I do any part of my body. I am content as much as I have two hands.)
I like this, but it’s still very limiting. There must be a way to put it such that I am speaking truthfully and positively about the situation. Let’s be affirmative.
Just do what you need to do.
Yes. But there’s more. This hardly captures my feelings about “mistakes.” I’ll refine this to say,
Everything will be OK if you do what you need to.
Scratch that.
Everything will be OK when you do what feels right.
In fact,
Everything will be OK regardless of whether you do the right thing or not. Things are OK all the time, as long as you keep trying, you can’t ask for anything more.
If everything is already OK because we can’t do anything to fix what we’re doing our best to do, even if we’re not working to our full potential, we’re already doing OK.
Everything will be OK. Everything IS OK. Keep trying, though. Things being OK isn’t an excuse to stop trying.
Things are MORE THAN just OK. Life is great. Especially if you keep trying. I mean, complaining or worrying isn’t going to make it any better, so worrying is a non-option, so joyfulness is the only legitimate response to have to the world.
Things are BEAUTIFUL. Keep at it.
Not just things, but EVERYTHING. Keep at it? Keep at what? You can’t not keep at “it,” provided you are existent. Besides, if you’re busy thinking everything is beautiful, you’re going to keep trying to better things.
“Everything is beautiful.”
Buuuut that’s sometimes unrealistic. Sometimes I don’t remember that everything is beautiful.
“THINK! Everything is beautiful!”
There. That’s my mantra these days.
Think. This reminds me to actively think about it. Remember… You REALLY believe that everything is beautiful.
Also, Think. If you see something as non-beautiful, THINK. Do something about it. Do what? Whatever you think is right. No pressure.
If you mess up, things are beautiful, so no worries.
If you think things are beautiful so there’s no need to do anything productive, remember why you think things are beautiful. It involves effort.
It’s circular. It’s encouraging. It’s reliable. It’s optimistic. It’s beautiful.
This is my mantra. Think. Everything is beautiful.
Topics: Philosophy, This is my life | 1 Comment »
Ohaiku
By Billy | September 23, 2009
Pressing my way home
I’m testing out the water,
Sinking into love.
Planning to not plan has fallen through. Go figure. I’m still following my heart with reckless abandon. Interesting. It’s gotten me into so much juicy trouble, brought me so many tears, taken up so much time, and felt only perfect.
These posts have become random, far more frequent than ever before, much more disorganized, and… I feel like they actually say all I want to.
I’m going to write a six word story before bed.
Topics: Uncategorized | Comments Off on Ohaiku
The World’s Day Off!
By Billy | September 22, 2009
Where the heck IS every-one?
She smiled, “they’re out having fun.”
“Today’s the day the world’s on break,
many aren’t even awake.”
I blinked and hardly caught the train
then tried to let it in my brain
“And at the end we all shall dance,
so don’t forget your comfy pants.”
“I guess I missed the memo, then.”
I said and started asking when
she stopped my words so patiently
and ran up to this ancient tree.
She looked at me, then to the sky
I helped her climb, not wondering why.
We soared, the speed with which we rose
and suddenly she gasped and froze.
The world seemed miles down below
we were swaying to and fro.
The moon and sun both there to see
We looked up; she said to me,
“Today the world is on vacation,
letting free imagination.
Let’s not let the moment slip,
you and I deserve a trip.
She plucked four leaves,
one for each hand.
She drew slow breaths
she counted and…
Away she flew, into the sky
the leafy wings helped her to fly.
After quite some time of thinking
and my frightened heart just sinking
I swallowed up my terror there
and threw myself into the air.
She and I together flew
swiftly out into the blue.
We flew over a tiny town
filled with humans, way, way down.
Over children having fun,
play, pretend, laugh, skip, jump, run.
We went high and we sailed low
every place that we could go.
The hours felt like minutes while
we zoomed past the millionth mile.
Today the world had gone on break.
she and I, for goodness sake,
We flew so high, and I forget,
I guess that the sun had set…
Somehow, though, our wings had failed
we fell and screamed, our bodies flailed.
We plummeted on towards the earth
and prayed and hoped for all we’re worth
Please, ground, kiss us sweetly
I am not ready to meet thee.
Our lives flew there right past our eyes,
when you’re falling, how time flies!
The very last thought in my head,
Oh how I long for my warm bed.
And with a jump I wake to see
My dear friend calling me:
“Good morning. I am outside. See you at breakfast.”
Hmph.
Topics: poetry | Comments Off on The World’s Day Off!
Another Quote.
By Billy | September 20, 2009
I was watching Horton Hears a Who last night. One part really struck me — I can’t explain how much it resonated in me. (By the way, I really, really, really liked that movie.)
Anyway. The mayor of this town was told by that his world was in danger by a voice that started coming out of the rain gutter one day. Nobody really believed him, they thought he was kinda nuts.
Today’s quote comes from the mayor to his wife.
“I’m so sorry that I let you down, but this… This is bigger than me.”
How many things in your life have you realized are actually bigger than you? Would you go out on a limb and put your reputation in serious jeopardy because you believed in something? Would you go to jail, fail a test, leave your family, drop out of school, break up with your boyfriend, give up your possessions, or more — just because you believed that something was important?
The mayor had experienced a death of ego in this film, as had Horton, the elephant carrying the mayors whole world on a flower. Who am *I*, that I am so valuable that my reputation, perhaps even my life, is worth the cause I could be dropping?
I’m into the Gospels right now and am pretty sure this same concept is what Matthew is talking about in chapter 10. “Those who find their life will lose it, and those who lose their life for my sake will find it.” I interpret “for my sake” to mean something along the lines of, “for my cause,” which I interpret to be universal love, or justice, or whatever you think is right.
So yeah. Theres actually two quotes. Huzzah!
Topics: quotes | Comments Off on Another Quote.
I want to create
By Billy | September 20, 2009
I want to make,
to have,
to hold,
to shape,
to love,
to mold.
I want to give
and reach
and find.
I want to bend
and stand
and bind.
I want to be
and wait
and try.
I want to hope
and think
and die.
If we think we’ll ever grab it,
our delusions become habit.
Stepping further from the truth
casting off our precious youth.
Hm. That wasn’t nearly the end of the thought that I was trying to put down, but it appears that my soul is finished writing. God, I want to create. I want to make things and look at it and say, “Mmmm. Yes.”
Instead, I am giving up on one of my best creative methods for the time, going to bed. Perhaps this cloud will clear while I’m ignoring it. (Ha.) I need to do some thinking. Learning to accept that the things I do are awesome by their own right is a challenge that I am looking forward to overcoming. Till then I’ll be frustrated sometimes. Like tonight!
Topics: Philosophy, poetry, This is my life | Comments Off on I want to create
The Nonplanner
By Billy | September 17, 2009
I am conducting an experiment. It shall last exactly as long as it does. I have been trying half-assedly to be a non-planner for a while, but now I feel like really not planning.
I also feel like putting down a few thoughts that I suppose have become mantras for me. They mean volumes to me.
I like to walk barefoot.
We’re just sparrows.
That’s the end of this post.
Topics: Nonfiction, Philosophy, This is my life | Comments Off on The Nonplanner
Break the Silence
By Billy | September 14, 2009
“Some of us who have already begun to break the silence of the night have found that the call to speak is often a vocation of agony, but we must speak.” -Martin Luther King Jr. 1967, in his A Time To Break the Silence sermon.
I am feeling inclined to actually listen and find the context in which words and deeds are said and performed. Have you ever even read the Declaration of Independence? Have you listened to Malcolm X speak?
I suggest you turn off your monitor or lay down and look at the ceiling while you listen to this. Be deliberate in your actions, don’t be half way there.
Topics: quotes | Comments Off on Break the Silence
« Previous Entries Next Entries »