Du. Du hast. Du hast mich erblickt.
By Billy | March 4, 2010
and I look down in surprise.
Holding the hilt in my hand as if it were I who had done it.
and instead of words,
my life flows out.
And instead of violence
I see only peace.
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The Newness of the Mourning.
By Billy | February 22, 2010
the newness of morning had not yet departed.
she sat patiently by the door
waiting to slip silently into
wherever she goes when she’s gone.
and the sunlight gently kissed my eyelids
almost reminding me of an ill fated lover.
the one of whom i am sweetly unaware
while i carelessly forgot my dreams.
she and all her glory
almost
almost made it
but a click of the latch on the way out the room
roused me with exorbitant violence.
so on this twisted back i lay
with aching spirit
breaking spirit
waking spirit
making…
prayers.
the sun has overstayed her welcome
she compliments the grains of salt
resting in my eyes
and splits the lids who cleave together
she speaks to me in lies
and the newness lurks behind the scenes
watching, waiting, free.
She hides away and still I know
she’s hiding deep in me.
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Waning and Waxing Both Resemble Smiling.
By Billy | February 18, 2010
And along the way
I stopped to gaze at the moon.
She loves me this way.
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1/x != True
By Billy | February 14, 2010
There are corners of this circle
that we won’t comprehend
and a point to all this thinking
at the asymptotic end.
and the shadow lands between us
they don’t really make distinct
all the useless thoughts we have
and the good things that we think.
in between the stuff of moments
that we never will define
and the generalities
of life
where we thought we didn’t mind
well the clouds were pouring out
in a rush of poignant red
but we all just took for granted
that our selves can feed the fire and our lot of daily bread.
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A Cold Walk Home
By Billy | February 13, 2010
“Ducks!” I said.
They didn’t notice.
“Who are you?”
They must have heard. They just ignored me.
“Do you fall in love?”
They chattered to each other, as if deciding whether or not to answer.
“Ducks…” I whispered, “who are you?”
“Who am I?” I chortled. The air through my nostrils was cold and thin.
The stream carried my questions away with my answers.
The ducks remained as they were, became who they were being, and floated, too, down the stream into obscurity.
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Riot and Rage
By Billy | February 7, 2010
I want to use words like riot and rage
resist and (I) refuse(!)
revolt and rampage.
I want to climb mountains and sing from their ridges
or poison the fountains and burn all the bridges
I want all the answers to climb in my hands
and own lady Time and her infinite sands
I want my echo to be unfathomable.
…
I want to remember the marrow that lives
deep within the the bone…
and see past the skin
of this dampened perfection
into the perfect unknown.
…
I am whispering softly and no one will hear. I want my echo to be unfathomable.
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Things: We Forget To See God
By Billy | February 1, 2010
In a very similar style to the evolution/discovery of a mantra from a while back… I am frustrated with my abilities regarding expressing myself. What do I mean when I say certain things? A simple expression of how I’m feeling turns out to hold a lot more. Dissecting my thoughts as follows reveals a bit of hidden wisdom I didn’t know I had. I wrote the sentence that said best how I felt, examined it, realized it wasn’t complete and wasn’t articulate, fixed the words, and ended up with an answer. Huh.
I am looking for control
I am hurting and I want something to control.
I am hurting and I imagine that having control will stop the hurt.
I am hurting and I imagine that I can have control over something and that it would stop the hurt, even if I could.
I am always going to be hurting in some way. Control? Even if I could have it, the hurting wouldn’t go away completely.
The only source of real comfort is God. God can and does stop the hurt. God has the control.
God will heal me. God will guide me.
God is already healing me, already guiding me.
My hurt is the denial of Jesus’ sacrifice. The hurt wont exist if I allow Jesus to heal me. My clinging to control is my denying that God has my life in his hands.
Both parts of this problem are cured by faith. Faith that Jesus loves me (and the many weighty implications of that love). Faith that I am not lost, but that God knows exactly where I am going and how to get me there.
Faith is something I can do. Faith is not passive. Faith is an action, and an involved one at that.
Take a handle on your faith and you will see the Love and healing for which you have been yearning.
The only thing you can do is transform is your relationship with your God.
Have faith and grow in your God and you will be healed.
Faith in God requires more abandonment of that supposed control. (Remember that faith involves believing God loves you)
Trusting God’s plans, God’s power to transform, and God’s love is the only source of comfort.
Prayer will comfort you. Ask for comfort. Ask for faith. Ask for trust. Ask to transform. Ask to see love.
Pray. Just pray.
Nothing happens without God.
Prayer is the only thing that acknowledges our powerlessness. To pretend our finite existence is anything but transient and small is to deny how BIG God is. What better way to access this un-finite God than to smooth ourselves into the canvas and give God control. Who are we to pretend we have an ounce of control?
God, help us with our unbelief. Help us do these things. Help us forget those things.
Topics: This is my life | 2 Comments »
You Will Do It
By Billy | January 27, 2010
I found a piece of paper in my desk. It had questions typed on it. I had written answers. Here they are.
Your History?
∞
Your Future?
I have been broken, lost, patched up, and fallen to dust. From the mud I have risen up, not to anything more or less than a perfect creation of God. I have been prepared for things I wasn’t sure I could handle and am training for the obstacles I will conquer in the future. In the future I will look back and be unafraid to do the things my heart tells me to do.
What drives you?
(Everything) HOW COULD I NOT BE DRIVEN?
Your Present?
I AM A HUMAN BEING.
I belong here, standing in the footprints I presently occupy. If the ground beneath my feet crumbles apart, I will tumble down the mountain, proud to have been where I was and looking forward to life in the valley below.
Who do you want to be?
I will someday be a human who loves himself as much as he wants others to feel loved.
Faded in the background of the paper, I now see the faint letters that form the words, “Who are you?”
Topics: This is my life | No Comments »
and God Noticed…
By Billy | January 20, 2010
Geneis 1:4
…וַיַּ֧רְא אֱלֹהִ֛ים אֶת־ הָאֹ֖ור כִּי־ טֹ֑וב
viyar elohim et-ha’ovr ki tov…
Viyar is usually translated as “saw.” God saw that the light was good. Viyar also means see-to- something. Like, see to it that our guests have enough food…
God created light, separated the light from the dark, then saw to it that the light was good. He took the chaotic world and made good with it — that is one thing this undefinable thing seems very capable of.
Then, humans ate of the tree of knowledge of good and evil — the serpent said it would make them like God (the serpent never lied when he tricked the humans). (Thank you Rachel Sarah) After they ate, they learned that they will die. A real punishment, but not without a loop hole. After that they were given the chance to create (like God) through sexual reproduction. (The Tree of Knowledge… the world for Knowledge is the same as the word for Sex)
When we tango with the LORD, he will see to it that it becomes good. God created then worked to turn to chaotic universe into something good. We have the ability to create chaos, as was the case in the Garden, and between Cain and Abel, and in Noah’s time, and all throughout Exodus and… wait, did I mention the name Israel means To Strive With God ? The whole freaking nation was called Fights/Struggles with God.
He’s going to see to it that goodness happens.
We are humans. We mess up, we hurt ourselves, we hurt other people, we do things opposite of what our Maker says to do. We steal from our parents, punch our girlfriends, eat forbidden fruits, and it’s OK. God will see to it that it is good. When you read that, it should be encouraging to continue working, not just standing still.
Be still and know that he is The LORD. The Hebrew word for Peace, Shalom, is a homonym for the word Complete. If it’s seems “bad,” it’s just not complete. Keep moving, keep praying, keep loving, and you will find the Shalom there.
Topics: Philosophy | 2 Comments »
Monsters
By Billy | January 20, 2010
I fell for the lie of a world where control
was something i held in my hand
i know i will die
if i give up my soul
and let things exist as they’re planned
i fell for the sparkling of choices
and chose to ignore what was coming
i swallowed the barking and voices
i choked hard but just kept on humming
if monsters and demons have ever existed
i know very well on who’s enlisted
and the company bell told thirteen times
the clang was so clear and ironically clean
when compared to the world who had so lost her sheen
where the new had been being now are sights not worth seeing
they are shabby
and cold
and crumbling
when the mudslide subsided
i’d been left divided
insane
and old
and mumbling
there’s a bottle of lightning
under your bed
and you’re thinking it might be
thunder instead
while the difference is real
you’re not going to feel
the difference
if you are dead
Topics: poetry | No Comments »
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