Graduation is a silly thing.
By Billy | July 25, 2010
Graduating college is a ridiculous thing to do.
The night before is ridiculous.
The morning before is ridiculous.
The ceremony is ridiculous.
The faux diploma (difauxma?) is ridiculous.
The traffic afterwards is ridiculous.
The idea that you are in some way more qualified to do stuff, ready to move places (emotionally or physically), or that you are more valuable afterwards is ridiculous.
The number of opportunities this planet provides for human beings, especially human beings privileged enough to attend college, is absolutely ridiculous.
By ridiculous, I definitely don’t mean ridiculous. Words are hardly acceptable forms of expression to convey the experiences. By ridiculous, I mean to excuse myself for not being able to wrap my head around much of it yet.
By now, I have finally finished all of the work required of me from college and I have said goodbye to people whom I will never see again. I have also acquired a level of skill that I am finally comfortable with with regards to my ability to pursue an intentional, deep, and life long relationship with learning. I feel as though my last two semesters most fully cauterized those skills.
Furthermore, I have begun to wrap my mind around the necessity of my pursuance of learning and experience. These are some of the most important things for me.
Topics: This is my life | No Comments »
Save the Planet
By Billy | June 23, 2010
The planet doesn’t need you to save it. And you really aren’t going to do anything worthy feeling like you’re “saving” anything or anyone by recycling, riding your bike, or putting more energy efficient light bulbs in your sockets.
This planet and the VAST majority of earthlings would prefer if you made efforts to preserve and sustain it, but please take off your cape and stop kidding yourself.
Topics: Philosophy | No Comments »
Cauterize
By Billy | April 30, 2010
The words wont change, the paper won’t let it. My reality is too hard between the two of us.
There they sit. Praise God. GOD. Perfect. Dance. Hope.
They refuse to burn.
-
I wouldn’t have known what to say.
So I’m glad I wasn’t there.
I can sing this out now.
I don’t think you’d care.
Framing, burning, eating. All at the same time. and all I can think is that I’m foolish.
A real friend. Told me timing was my enemy.
Timing is everything.
Timing is key.
Hashem is Timing.
No such thing as bad.
Just incomplete.
Such a thing as sad.(!)
Shabbat. Shavot! Shalom.
I don’t quite care enough to be the bigger one here.
This tired flesh is glad that I am stronger now. and I don’t quite feel like thanking you for that just yet.
The moments are shorter in these lapses. The reasons. Seem reasonable.
Topics: poetry | No Comments »
What are we *now*?
By Billy | April 29, 2010
I am wrapping up my last real semester in college in the next 7 days, and I’m experiencing a variety of extremely interesting feelings. The intention of this post is simultaneously to remind my fingers how to type, as I am not quite finished yet, as well as to convey to the people I love how I’m feeling. Furthermore, I’ve been told I am unusually aware of how I feel about things, and fairly articulate at expressing it, so perhaps other people feel this way about similar shifts. Maybe someone, somehow, will find this and feel like a single sentence in it resonates with them. Maybe that’s what they need to read. I trust the universe will guide them here if they need.
In the coming weeks I will put on a graduation gown and walk with hundreds of people who have walked on this earth in their current physical manifestation for about as long as I have. We will take pictures of ourselves places that we don’t actually spend time. We will smile and shake hands and hug, often expressing feelings towards people we haven’t connected with, sometimes purposefully, for years. We will say good bye to people we’ve seen on a weekly, even daily basis, and never see them again.
In the coming weeks, everything that has been a “given” for me and most people growing up in my culture will come to a culmination. I don’t know what my first words were, but my first sentence was likely to be, “yes, I know, dad, I’m paying for my own college.” I was lucky enough to have parents who know how to healthily pressure me; furthermore, I was graced with parents who knew what too much pressure was. However much my parents might wanted me to have reached one goal or another, even the magical Eagle Scout award, which is on par with enlightenment in my family, I never felt like anyone was trying to live vicariously through me. I never had to major in a certain field, nor had I the pressure to follow a certain profession. In fact, I was encouraged to choose a degree that would open to me as many options as possible.
Thus, college was part of my personal culture. The thought to finish high-school then start working immediately never crossed my mind. College was always part of my plan, even before it was mine.
Where do I go now?
There is a direction to travel here. I’m positive of it. Everything I have learned in school tells me that I will be alright with the next step of my life. Every Indiana Jones movie tells me to trust that instinct. I’m doing, not trying, Yoda, I swear. It’s just scary putting your foot out onto that invisible bridge.
In the next couple of weeks, I will be… Let me rephrase. In the next couple of weeks I will earn a degree in Religious Studies. (I will be… a religiologist?)
This is not a blog post about the worries of graduating with a liberal arts degree, it is about the worries of finishing the projected timeline in general. More to come on society not caring about actually important stuff. Another post, another day.
In a few conversations I have had with people recently, I’ve accidentally slipped the words, “getting married” in instead of “graduating.” I think they fall under the same category for me. They are life changing events, hugely superficial in my book, and they usually only happen once. Afterwards is a huge mystery. This. Changes. Everything.
No more unlimited food, no more excuses for joblessness, no more sleeping, eating, playing, living, working, being ALL IN THE SAME PLACE. No more anchor. There is a saying in the Midrash about the Sabbath: We practice the Sabbath as if it were experiencing eternity for a day, because we wouldn’t know what to do with eternity when we got there, otherwise.
We thrive well in constraints. That’s why we keep busy. That’s why we get antsy. That’s why we own TV’s, computers, and cell phones. Nobody knows what it’s like to be alone, slowed down, or free anymore, and it’s terrifying. The next couple weeks are the opportunity for me and my graduating class to stare the infinite possibility of the world in the face, and we will all more than likely choose restraint over infinite freedom.
We will choose the path of convenience in this world, over the path of happiness. We will choose the societally constructed constraints rather than the ones we feel appropriate. We will wear high heels if our societally constructed gender roles approve of it, and we will wear ties if we have the alternative sexual binary. We do not want the infinite, we don’t know what to do with Him. We want the pavement, the organic food sticker, and the hot water steaming on its way out the faucet.
It’s graduation day soon. Be prepared to ask every graduate you know what they are going to do next. That is exactly what they want and should be thinking about. It’s also the most generous question you can ask them, they surely want to tell everyone they invited to their party. It will make them feel like you care when you ask such generic questions, and they will know you are asking for their sake.
Whatever you do, don’t just be silent around us. We can’t stand stillness. We can’t stand awkward smiles. We don’t like encouraging hugs.
Some of us do.
Some of us like stillness and silence. We like to breathe when we accomplish something we didn’t think we could. We like to focus on the present moment, not consistently look to the years ahead.
Some of us will throw socially constructed views of success out the window in lieu of joining a Buddhist monastery, riding a llama across the continent, settling down as a stay-at-home-parent, joining an ecumenical community in France, living on an commune, joining an anarchist-leaning intentional-community, choosing to live without a home and write poetry in a big city, dedicate ourselves to silence and fasting, move to the slums of India…
Some of us will find our lives among the destitute, the homeless, and the religious fanatics easier to swallow than you will. Some of us will be bothered by that and encouraged to stay because of it.
Some of us will seek a middle ground between asceticism and corporate America. Some of us might find it.
These are the thoughts running through our heads, whether we know it or not. We are looking for support and options and hope. Sometimes we compromise one or two of those for another.
Topics: This is my life | No Comments »
Wake Up and Graduate
By Billy | April 21, 2010
We were in a van, crowded, comfortable. On the way to a stadium, at which the Redskins play football, and it happened to be Georgetown University.
The stars were beautiful. I thought they might have been just moonlight hitting countless clouds in the sky. Perfection. One of the most beautiful things I’ve ever experienced. I was so enamored with the sky, that I encouraged everyone to look up. I had to remind the driver to focus on the road, “don’t hit those pedestrians in the cross walk!”
When we got out of the car, I realized I was in a suit jacket, dress shirt, tie… But no pants. I had my shoes on and my socks on, but no pants. They were in my hands, ready to be put on.
“Huh,” I thought, “I have to take off my shoes to put these pants on. And I have to take the coat off to get the suspenders up. I mostly disrobed, at which point I realized I had no idea why I was so dressed up. Graduation was in the back of my mind.
“What are we doing here?” I asked. Everyone around me was from my elementary school.
“We’re graduating!” Someone said.
“No way,” I thought. I figured it was just practice. If we were graduating, I would have known it. I would have finished all my work. I would have said goodbye to my teachers. I pulled out my phone to check, I couldn’t make out what the screen said.
It began to snow. I stopped with one foot in my pants to catch a snowflake on my tongue. Got it on the first try. Then I resumed my pants dawning.
I realized while putting my pants on that I really didn’t care to wear those shoes while I graduated. Thankfully, the suspenders pulled the pants up just high enough that I didn’t scuff the cuff when I walked. About the time I got my shirt tucked in and put the coat on, I was getting in line, ready to graduate.
—
When I woke up, I thought for a while. Dreams like this make me giggle.
1) I had been so enamored with the moment that I didn’t even notice where my life was heading. Graduation (and all that that word actually implicates) is happening already. If I don’t prepare for it, it will happen to me super suddenly. Even if I don’t prepare, I will be in the moment when it happens, so I shan’t miss it.
2)When I woke, I realized that the driver of the van wasn’t as distracted by the stars as I was. In fact, I was probably the least focused on where we were going. I was sitting on the floor of the momvan. I am getting to graduation unconventionally, but I’m getting there. Transfer student, summer school after graduation ceremony. No, it’s not what we dream of when we’re kids, but it’s the way it happens and it’s perfect.
3) The order of things for me in this instance is ridiculous. I’ve taken classes at 3 classes, I’ve declared 3 majors, my last classes will be two introductory classes. I put my shoes on before my pants!
4) It doesn’t really matter, because that whole debacle has helped remind me how to be comfortable in my skin. The backwards ways I’ve gone about getting to “Graduation” has created the conditions to facilitate me being comfortable as I do it. If I did it pants then shoes, I might have forgotten that I want to be myself while I do this. If I had been conventional in my last 8 years, I would have never learned or mastered the art of listening to the subtle voice.
5) No matter how important things seem, the really important thing is catching a snowflake on your tongue.
I am graduating from college.
Topics: This is my life | No Comments »
Words that Echo in our Souls
By Billy | April 20, 2010
The sun goes down and
sometimes the worlds very dark
and it’s called night time.
Topics: poetry | No Comments »
A Short Meditation.
By Billy | April 12, 2010
Inhale.
The tips of your fingers are storing all the negativity you are capable of accumulating.
That one little inhale has rocked its foundation. The negative energy is resting in your palms.
Inhale again. Deeper this time.
Feel it swirl anxiously around in your palms. Some of it is leaking through to your arms already. It knows where it’s going.
Breathe in.
Now the negative energy is bubbling around in your armpits. The last bit of this negativity is clearing itself from your finger tips, flooding out of your palms…
Exhale. Your body is getting lighter as you do it.
Breathe in. Focus yourself right behind your sternum. Fill your lungs with air. You’re about to breathe out more negativity than you knew you had in you.
Exhale. Exhale like it’s the first. Exhale like it’s the last time.
Breathe in. Deliberately. This time realizing it is pure.
Breathe out one more breath of negative.
Inhale a flushing breath. This one will quickly wash down into your fingertips. This breath comes in and sweeps up the remnants of your worries.
Exhale. With purpose. Exhale audibly, firmly, proudly, finally.
Exhale and bid that negativity farewell. Send it to the universe to be transformed. Offer it to God. Bless it and thank it for reminding you what it feels like to feel clean.
Breathe in. This one seals the deal. Breathe in and be filled with goodness.
Smile.
Topics: Uncategorized | No Comments »
f(conjunction) = 1, 2.
By Billy | March 31, 2010
and you don’t understand the way that I feel
and it’s not nearly my own fault.
and it’s not yours.
and that’s why we need to let it be.
and he doesn’t understand either, but he does just that.
and she doesn’t even know.
but she would if she did.
and you, of all, you. you don’t do anything.
but for me you do everything.
but you shouldn’t. i don’t know if i want you to any more.
and then there’s Him. He’s doing everything.
and it was foolish for me to depart from either of them for you,
and now there’s a new two you’s, at least.
and none of the You’s i’m ready to find.
and that i can’t bring him into the picture
but you don’t even know how big His canvas is…
and you have no idea
but choose to ignore it
and go on
and on
and on
and i am ready to depart from this.
but i wont because i need you.
because i feel like you’re still Him for me.
but i think i know the answer i’m looking for.
and i don’t think it involves you.
and i don’t think it involves her.
and i’m more ok right now than i want to be
and that might be the way it’s supposed to.
and none of it even matters.
and we have time.
but you had time.
Topics: This is my life, poetry | No Comments »
Language, Qualms, and Toki Pona
By Billy | March 21, 2010
So I have been considering systematically eliminating words from my daily conversations. I don’t know the way I’d do it, but something like a random number generator that selects a word from a list, perhaps starting with a list of nouns, and not using that word. Anyway, I don’t think I’m going to actually follow through with it, but during my brainstorming about the frustration I have with language, I came across something called Toki Pona.
Topics: Philosophy, This is my life | No Comments »
She & Him - In The Sun
By Billy | March 12, 2010
Topics: Uncategorized | No Comments »
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