« The Not-So-Epic Day of Blindness | Main | WCot[ATF] #4: EXTRALIFE »
The Utopographer: Chapter 3
By Billy | October 23, 2008
Let me start this properly by sending you to Chapter 1 so you can understand where this post is coming from. I feel like jumping right in, so brace yourself. We’ll see where this takes us.
Chapter 3:
Trunkenkuss is a German name. A fake German name. Alex Trunkenkuss, as he preferrs to be called, has not heard his real name uttered since before he ever knew Dr. Margana had been watching him.
Alex started walking towards his shadow and continued on that path for three hours; the sun had reached its peak and then some. Eventually an old green Honda Civic zoomed past from behind, screeched to a halt, and traced a crooked path back to where he stood. From roughly the middle of the road, a woman hollered out the open passenger side window.
“You look lost, honey. You don’t belong out in this sun!”
Alex tried his best to respond politely, “I’m kinda a long way from home. Are you offering me a ride or what?”
The driver responded as she felt appropriate to the Trunkenkuss attitude, opened the door, and started driving as soon as the passenger seat was occupied. Examining his new ride, Alex noted first the Christian music playing just loud enough to hear the lyrics. Your sins are gone without a trace. There’s nothing left now, there’s only grace. Alex laughed audibly; his driver made no sign of hearing. The next noteable thing to notice about the car was that the back seats had been removed, their space being occupied by a hodge podge of unkempt newspapers, fliers, and books.
Wondering where on earth he was, Alex reached into his pocket for a cigarette. He exhaled the first drag and said, “You don’t mind if I smoke.” It was almost a question. The driver swallowed, looked at the rosary hanging from her rear-view window, and smiled. “Where the fuck are we, anyway?” Alex said as he let smoke seep from his lips and nose. “And what year is it?”
—-
Gah. I need to get this chapter over with. I will write more later– this car ride is aggrivating! It’s based loosely on my hitchhiking experience, though I wasn’t an ass to the poor lady in the car. I purposefully left money on the seat when I got out of the car. I don’t think she’ll know that was my gift to her, but it was all I had. Anyway. More exciting stuff to come. This chapter kinda sucked.
As always, critiques welcome!
Topics: The Story of Brahman, Works of Fiction | 2 Comments »
October 30th, 2008 at 4:10 am
Let me begin by saying I love this paragraph:
“Wondering where on earth he was, Alex reached into his pocket for a cigarette. He exhaled the first drag and said, “You don’t mind if I smoke.” It was almost a question. The driver swallowed, looked at the rosary hanging from her rear-view window, and smiled. “Where the fuck are we, anyway?” Alex said as he let smoke seep from his lips and nose. “And what year is it?”
Not sure why I like it so much, but I think it says a lot about his character without having to blatantly state everything.
Stylistically speaking, I don’t think ” The next noteable thing to notice about the car ” fits with the rest of the chapter so far. It’s less eloquent and a bit clunky sounding. I’m not quite sure how to reword it… or if you want that kind of input, xD
Also, this excerpt “has not heard his real name uttered since before he ever knew Dr. Margana had been watching him.” seems forced? I don’t know how to explain it, but the word “ever” bothers me. Maybe it’s because it’s 4 in the morning. *shrug*
I think that as you wrote you were getting more comfortable with it? That’s how it seems to me. Hopefully my pitiful little critique was of some use…
November 2nd, 2008 at 9:26 am
THANK YOU for finally being someone ballsy enough to give me real critiques. You are right about a few things and when It’s not 8:30 on a Sunday I will correct them. I did mean to say “even” not “ever” when talking about Dr. Margana.
I definitely want the kind of input you provided. Thank you so much. Your thoughts will go into my revisions. 😀