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A Dream

By Billy | October 30, 2009

My mother and I were sitting in a parking lot discussing my future. I was feeling pretty hopeless facing graduation soon with a BA in Philosophy and Religion and no idea what to do next. I was getting sarcastic and bitter towards myself, kinda frustrated that my dreams and desires seem to be so worthless according to so many social standards. Not to mention the fact that I struggle to find happiness at a certain level that I can’t explain. Complacency terrifies me. I want to live more deeply than any human ever has, it seems — a curse I haven’t been able to shrug off OR actualize yet.

Mom and I were sitting in a car in a parking lot waiting to be taken somewhere by someone having this conversation. All of the sudden, a fifteen passenger van fell from the fourth story of a parking deck in front of us and crashed violently to the ground one hundred feet ahead. Immediately I jumped out of the car while my mom was in mid sentence, ran over to the van and tried to see what I could do to help. I thoroughly checked all the doors to see, but there was nobody in the vehicle at all.

That was about all the dream worth noting.

I woke up and thought to myself. “That was a completely worthless dream!” And started journaling it. What a good invention, the journal! As I wrote, I realized how profound it was. I have been worried about graduating and doing something with my life. It is apparent to me now that I just need to wait for my course of action to fall violently from the sky. When the van fell, I didn’t think, “this might be what I’m supposed to put my effort into,” I just ran! God tells Abram, “go to the place that I will show you.” So Abram went. (Genesis 12:4) Abram didn’t ask his 130 year old father if it was a good idea, nor did he go to his financial advisors to see if it made sense at that time in his life (he was a senior citizen by our standards). Abram WENT. Vayelech Avram. When that metal met concrete, I didn’t ask my mom to excuse me, I didn’t think about the possible danger I might have been in running up to the car. In fact, I put down my phone and my jacket, which both represent to me comfort and connection, and focused my entire energy on helping people.

The funny thing is, I didn’t save a single person. The van was empty. Furthermore, I didn’t worry about the fact that my endeavor amounted to nothing. The fact that I did what I thought I was supposed to was enough. Abram ended up going down to Egypt and leaving after it got too crazy. He didn’t really accomplish anything (not true: Abram parallels Moses and Israel in general in a few ways, but…) when he went down there, but it helped him get to where he needed to go.
I’m not going to worry so much, but just be patient. I will know when my opportunity arises. I believe you will too.

Topics: Philosophy, This is my life | Comments Off on A Dream

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